page 2

It's official. My first semester of university has come and gone. I can hardly believe how fast it went. Incredibly fast. It just zoomed by.

First year university is a huge transition period. I know I know I'm confusing. I was just talking about how incredibly happy I am and how pleasantly surprised I was at how smoothly things are going but there are a lot of feelings attached to everything that's going on. ALOT! It's an insanely confusing, heartwrenching, tear provoking time.

I'm home for Christmas and I feel like my heart is torn in two. I love two places. I have two homes. I guess you could say I saw this coming. I mean moving out typically means you find and create a new home but I wasn't expecting to love my new home and miss my old home so much. I guess that was naive of me looking back on it now but that doesn't change how I feel. I was so sad to leave Calgary and all my friends in res but so excited to come home and see my family. And then when I am home I just feel like I fall apart a little bit. I see my siblings and my parents and I remember just how much I love them and miss them and I wish momentarily I could just be right back here with them; with my old life. It's hard coming home because you see what you've missed. I see how big all the little ones are. I see how I don't know where anything is in my own house. I see how things have changed in town. How the church has grown. I see how my once close friends have parted ways and become different. I get a small taste of what my life once was. I go back to work at Robinhood, I go back to driving, and living with a gong show of a family, to seeing familiar faces, and having a jam packed schedule. All of that makes me long for what I used to have. I long for the simplistic days of high school. Commuting everyday with Girl Alex. My old social circle. IB. Work and all my clubs. I miss it all. All these memories come flooding back. and guess what I do? I cry.
And then I do a 180 when it comes time to head back to school. This is where the confusing bit comes in. As much as I miss all those things of the past, as much as I long to have them again, I also miss Calgary. I miss my classes, the people, the drama, the freedom, and I get so excited to come back to it all. So I cry again. I cry when I leave and I cry when I come. It's a neverending cycle. I think my mom would say I'm grieving the loss of something that was once great to me and working on embracing the new? Something like that. She seems to think grieving (and thus crying) is the answer to almost any emotional upheaval and usually she's right. So I'm trusting her and have faith that with time things will become less confusing and more pleasant.

New. Now that is something I am excited about. I love thinking about where I'm headed. Imagining what my future will be like. Planning where I want to be. Dreaming up all these impossible possibilities. I'm smiling right now just thinking about it. What do I want to do? Ultimately I want to marry a beautiful, kind, loving man (but doesn't every woman?) and have a zillion babies. Ok maybe not a zillion but alot. Don't you look at the screen like that. I'm not kidding. I know what I would be getting myself into. I am the oldest of nine after all. But there are so many other things I want as well. I want to finish university. I'd like to go on to do a masters of management or something along those lines once I complete my community rehab degree so that I have the skills to start my own organization for people with disabilities. I am going to be an advocate for people with disabilities. I am going to share what I learn with others. I want to make a difference. And maybe that sounds cheesy but it's the truth. Ever since I was a little girl that has been my dream. Leave a legacy. And that is what I will do. I am determined. I just have to figure out how. and where. oh and with whom this legacy will be left. meh. I can work out the fine details later.